Everything Important

NEW ADDRESS: POPTOX.COM

2004-08-16T11:32:00.000-04:00

Everything Important has moved to PopTox.com.

Keep Your Poodles, We Have Courtney Love

2004-07-30T11:52:00.000-04:00

Poodle or Uber-Poodle?

The above picture was taken yesterday in Chongqing, a large metropolis located in southwestern China.

While the notion of seeing two poodles together is disturbing enough, even more unsettling is the possibility that the Chinese are light years ahead of Americans in complex field of orange dog technology. What’s next? Nuclear fucking weapons?

More importantly, back here in the U to the Izz-A, Our Courtney has temporarily finagled herself out of a trip to the Los Angeles County Jail. At least the U.S. is still beating the world in terms of celebrity trainwrecks. Hey China! There’s only one Courtney Love and we’ve got her!

Related Nonsense:
Courtney Love Drug and Legal Defense Fund

Nerds Revealed!

2004-07-28T14:12:00.000-04:00

Prince is clearly not a geek.

Just in case you were wondering which notables are the cool kids and which ones are the dorks, Wired Magazine has published a handy Geek Power Grid in the August issue to help you from accidentally putting Stephen Hawking and Liz Phair into the same social circle.

The grid places about a hundred power players at a specific point in each quadrant to accurately convey their overall degree of dorkiness, nerdiness, coolness and wonkability.

While the GPG might be useful to the type of person who likes to keep tabs on the A-list, it is not without flaws. For instance, Al Franken really needs to back his ass over to the uncool side of the geek border.

Slight failings notwithstanding, the GPG is generally on target - and now we know who is next on the list for a big fat wedgie. (Hint: Somebody tell Bill Gates to watch out.)

Political Gambling Update: Kerry Bangs in Boston

2004-07-28T12:04:00.000-04:00

John Kerry preparing for an aesthetic enhancement?

The first of the two political orgies slated for the summer is in full swing at the Fleet Center in Boston. With John Edwards having already been tapped to run alongside John Kerry and part-time actor Ben Affleck having firmly established himself as the official Democratic Party Celebrity Posse Member, the big political gambling action turns to focus on the heavyweight contenders, John Kerry and George Bush.

Currently, gambling exchange Tradesports has W in leading John Kerry in the race for President by the thinnest of margins.

While it is too early to make any definitive calls on the election outcome, the current Tradesports line begs the question: Are Americans really ready to dump our President for somebody that has received botox injections on a regular basis?

Courtney Love Drug and Legal Defense Fund

2004-07-27T10:41:00.000-04:00

Courtney Love needs your help!

Our Courtney has gone and got herself into a whole heap of trouble for doing what she does best: Just being Courtney.

When our favorite fugitive finally pokes her head out from hiding, she is going to need loads of support from her friends and fans. Not the type of support that comes from care and understanding, but the type of support that can actully buy her the stuff she needs the most, specifically, drugs and legal services.

With your donation we can provide Courtney with the financial assistance necessary to purchase all of the lawyers and OxyContin she needs to keep herself totally unstable. Even a donation as small as ONE DOLLAR can help get Courtney one step closer to the place we all need her the most, back in the public eye.

I want to buy Courtney drugs!

I want to buy Courtney lawyers!

P to the Heiress Hizilton?

2004-07-22T16:15:00.000-04:00

Somwhere, Tommy Mottola is kicking himself for missing out on Paris.

Has hip-hop impresario Lil’ Jon discovered his muse? MTV Europe and AllHipHop News both report that the purveyor of all things crunk is currently producing the upcoming Paris Hilton album.

The pairing hardly equals strange bedfellows.

A closer examination of the lyrics from the Lil’ Jon song “Get Low” suggests that Paris might be the talent Lil’ Jon has always dreamed of:

Lil Jon and the East side boys wit me/we all like to see ass and tities… Now bring yo ass over here hoe/let me see you get low if you want…Now take it to the floor/take it to the floor/and if yo ass wanta act you can keep yo ass where you at…

Rumors abound that Paris is going to rap on the album, however that gossip has not yet been shizzolated.

Related Nonsense:
Tommy Mottola Signs Next Wife

Fashion Alert: Children You Can’t Kill

2004-07-22T15:29:00.000-04:00

A Japanese clothing company called Madre has created a line of clothing for children that is knife resistant. Maybe we’re wrong, but if this knife resistant clothing thing catches on, parenting is going to become much, much more difficult.

Somebody contact Anna Wintour before this becomes an epidemic.

Donate to Courtney Love!

2004-07-21T14:57:00.000-04:00

Jailhouse Gone Wild

2004-07-20T21:58:00.000-04:00

Undoubtedly, this story has already been recorded as a country western song. If it hasn't, and Johnny Cash isn't already too dead, please wake him and ask the man in black to report to the recording studio pronto. Otherwise, we're stuck with Garth Brooks and nobody really wants that.

Pamela Anderson: Not Fiction

2004-07-20T13:11:00.000-04:00

Pamela Anderson is the first former Baywatch star to debut a novel.

Somewhere, in a parallel universe, Jessica Simpson is crushing Ken Jennings at Jeopardy!, Mary-Kate Olsen is recovering from gastric bypass sugery and Courtney Love runs a treatment center.

Pretty whack huh?

Luckily, we live in a normal dimension where playmate Pamela Anderson is poised to become a literary lion.

L'Essence du Britney

2004-07-19T14:51:00.000-04:00

The most unnecessary slice of Canadian high culture to pop into the collective zeitgeist since Celine Dion recorded My Heart Will Go On comes from Toronto based artist Jason Kronenwald.

Kronenwald has created a collection of portraits including the likes of Anna Kournikova and Paris Hilton by using the oft-ignored medium that is chewed bubblegum.

Celebrities honored by Kronenwald’s talents consist almost entirely of blonde B-listers who easily fall into the category Most Likely to Appear on the Cover of Maxim Magazine.

Dare we say that Kronenwald’s portraits have more substance than the actual muse-lettes that serve as his inspiration?

A gallery of Kronenberg’s work can be viewed at GumBlondes.com.

Martha Buries Vegetarians

2004-07-16T12:08:00.000-04:00

While everybody has been wagging about how awful it is that Martha Stewart is getting shipped to the klink for five months, Andre 3000 of Outkast and Alicia Silverstone were named the World’s Sexiest Vegetarians unbeknownst to just about everybody.

Where the hell are our priorities folks!

The People For The Ethical Treatment of Animals website lists the hundred or so luminaries that were considered for the distinction of World’s Sexiest. Just a cursory glance of the list begs the question, “Who exactly was voting for this honor? Leonard Nimoy got beat out by Andre 3000?”

Plus, PETA claims that Alec Baldwin is a vegetarian. If Alec is a vegetarian, Stephen Baldwin is a Nobel Laureate.

P.S. There is no such thing as easy time, Martha. Keep hope alive.

Related Nonsense:
Martha, The Benevolent

Help Make Jessica Simpson's Baby!

2004-07-15T13:21:00.000-04:00

Jessica and Nick could use YOUR help making a baby.

Us Weekly reports that Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are thinking about having children, but not the career halting kind that make you get all fat and stuff.

Odds are this means the couple is considering the hottest trend in Hollywood this side of becoming Amish - picking themselves up a Cambodian baby:

We'd love to have our own children, but we have a heart for kids, and we'd love to adopt a child from an underdeveloped country.

Angelina Jolie recently made headlines when she adopted her own child from an underdeveloped country, a Cambodian orphan that she calls Maddox.

Jolie and Simpson's publicists have not yet contacted each other to arrange a play date.

Related Nonsense:
Ashley Judd vs. Cameron Diaz
Now All We Need Is Jessica Simpson

Supermodel Blows Customs

2004-07-14T13:39:00.000-04:00

Cocaine is a staple of the Supermodel Diet.

The Ingrid Parewijck bust at JFK has given supermodels a new job description: Coke Mule.

Related Nonsense:
The Supermodel Personals

America's Trainwreck: Tough Love For Courtney

2004-07-14T13:24:00.000-04:00

Andrea Peyser at the New York Post gave Our Courtney exactly what she didn’t need yesterday – an extremely preachy column about cleaning up her act.

The Holier-Than-Thou set should back off. What Our Courtney needs to get through these trying times is not a lesson in virtue, but a steady supply of OxyContin.

Shame on you Ms. Peyser. Shame on you.

Incidently, Our Courtney’s very public implosion last week followed by her subsequent descent into seclusion has created an entirely new genre of celebrity: Fugitive Rock Star.

Related Nonsense:
America's Trainwreck: Courtney We Love You!
America's Trainwreck: Courtney Still Just Being Courtney

Christina Aguilera to Serve Fishy Chips

2004-07-13T15:23:00.000-04:00

Zagat, start your engines.

Both the Irish Examiner and the Bonnie Fuller helmed Star Magazine have reported that popette Christina Aguilera is planning to open a Manhattan restaurant that serves British cuisine.

While the prospect of a celebrity owned restaurant that only dishes British food sounds like a double helping of awful, NYC Restaurant-czar Tom Frieden will likely not issue any health code violation unless Aguilera actually enters the kitchen.

The last pop star foray into the big city restaurant game was The Britney’s now defunct restaurant NYLA which closed in 2002 due to health code violations.

Related Nonsense:
Britney’s First 911 Call

Tommy Mottola Signs Next Wife

2004-07-12T19:09:00.000-04:00

Do we hear wedding bells for Lindsay Lohan?

When It-Girl Lindsay Lohan signed her recording deal Friday with Casablanca records, she positioned herself to become a future pop mega-star.

If history is a reliable guide, Lohan might have also unwittingly earned another distinction: Most Likely to Become the Next Mrs. Tommy Mottola.

Over the years, legendary Music Mogul Tommy Mottola has shown an uncanny ability to discover young talent, launch them into musical stardom and then make that singer his wife.

Past discoveries that went on to become the future Mrs. Mottola include high octave singer Mariah Carey and his current wife, Latin sensation Thalia.

Although Lohan is young, Mottola has shown that age is of no consequence. Both Mariah Carey and Thalia were many years his junior when they married Mottola. Lohan, who just turned 18 last week, could become the youngest Mrs. Mottola yet.

In addition to the prospect of wedded bliss, Lohan has much to look forward to professionally. Carey is a two-time Grammy winner and Thalia was a Latin Grammy nominee in 2003.

To date, Mottola and Thalia have not made any formal divorce arrangements.

Read more about Lohan’s recording contract at E! Online.

Lesbian Hot Spot: Saudi Arabia

2004-07-12T12:25:00.000-04:00

Luxury lifestyle. Forced abortions. Secret lesbian trysts? What is last week for Courtney Love?

Guess again.

Carmen Bin Laden, former sister-in-law of the world’s most notorious terror monger, has published an autobiography containing details about the surreptitious sexual desires of Saudi women and life within the Bin Laden clan.

Related Nonsense:
America's Trainwreck: Courtney We Love You!

America's Trainwreck: Courtney We Love You!

2004-07-10T10:01:00.000-04:00

On the front page of the New York Post this morning, popping out in big, bright colors is a picture of Courtney Love handcuffed to a gurney. Suffice to say, the photo is nothing short of fantastic. So rarely do we get such spectacular documentation of everything falling apart for a celebrity.

Darling, please don’t ever change.

Related Nonsense:

The Picture.

America’s Trainwreck: Courtney Still Just Being Courtney

Cameron Diaz Bondage Video Ruins Another Afternoon

2004-07-09T17:09:00.000-04:00

Fuck! We missed the annual Hamilton-Burr dual reenactment again! The Weehawken Historical Society will never forgive this one.

Related Nonsense:

Ashley Judd vs. Cameron Diaz

America's Trainwreck: Courtney Still Just Being Courtney

2004-07-09T16:53:00.000-04:00

All of the hubbub related to Cameron Diaz’s bondage video, The Britney’s engagement and the Mary-Kate Olsen cocaine/eating disorder intervention might have left Courtney Love feeling a touch underappreciated.

Hopefully the arrest warrant issued today by the Los Angeles County Court will let Our Sweetheart know that we still care about her.

Related Nonsense:
Courting Courtney
Ashley Judd vs.Cameron Diaz
The Britney’s First 911 Call
Mary-Kate Meets Machiavelli

Now All We Need is Jessica Simpson

2004-07-09T10:14:00.000-04:00

Jessica Simpson could make the Amish bigger than Kabbalah.

Look out Madonna. Kabbalah is dangerously close to being deader than Scientology. The hot new religious sect churning Tinsel Town’s butter these days are the Amish.

On July 28th, the UPN will debut Amish in the City, a reality television series that features five Amish youth sharing a house in the Hollywood Hills.

Over the span of eight weeks, the Amish participants, ages 18 to 24, will participate in various activities that range from working with the mentally challenged to spending time in the inner city. But altruistic endeavors won’t be the only thing on their humble minds:

Their roommates include a handsome swim instructor, a fashion-conscious "party girl," a nightclub promoter and an aspiring musician who works part time as a bus boy, the network said.

Potential sound bite from the ubiquitous reality TV show hot tub scene: Thou doth raised my barn.

Keira's Kind of Woman

2004-07-08T17:22:00.000-04:00

Keira isn't entertained by the submissive type.

British lovely Keira Knightley, star of the upcoming movie King Arthur, talks about the type of film she wants to see in theaters:

"As a moviegoer today, what I want to see is strong women. I don't want to see a woman who is totally the plaything of all the guys and who sits back while they do all the action."

Keira, we have the PERFECT MOVIE for you!

Kim Cattrall's Next Gig?

2004-07-08T11:59:00.001-04:00

Kim Cattrall played Cadet Karen Thompson in the original Police Academy.

Once is never enough. The Hollywood Reporter tells us that after two Presidents, a War on Terror and the entire Hilton sex tape scandal, the eighth installment of the Police Academy series is finally in the works.

Incidently, the sequel announcement clears up tons of confusion.

Original Police Academy cast member Kim Cattrall is no fool. Perhaps her spies knew this film was in the pipeline. Could this be the real reason Cattrall passed on a Sex and The City movie?

Executive Producer Paul Maslansky confirms this notion:

According to Maslansky, who will serve as an executive producer, the talent from the first seven features has expressed a keen interest in the revival, with Maslansky looking to combine both new and the "original talent" for the next "Police Academy."

Translation: Steve Guttenberg is offering blowjobs to anybody who can get him on the set of number eight.

There Has To Be a Scottie Pippen Joke in Here Somewhere

2004-07-08T08:21:00.000-04:00

The Worm has not run with the Bulls since since he left the NBA.

Sports Illustrated reports that Dennis Rodman was in Pamplona, Spain yesterday for the first running of the bulls at the annual San Fermin Festival.

Rodman visited the famous festival in an attempt to capture that elusive mixture of adrenalin, altruism and PR that is only experienced while simultaneouly being chased by an angry animal, raising money for multiple sclerosis and promoting an online casino.

Other recent Rodman accomplishments include speculation that he is the inspiration behind a stripper fueled blind item on Page Six.

Martha, The Benevolent

2004-07-07T16:36:00.000-04:00

We should all feel ashamed by the way Martha Stewart has been treated.

In a continual effort make us feel even more guilty for our cultural sins, USA Today asks the fright-making question, “Where would we be without Martha?”

Answer: We don’t want to know.

Ashley Judd vs. Cameron Diaz

2004-07-07T15:56:00.000-04:00

Ashley Judd has not had a chance to watch the new Cameron Diaz video.

While you’ve been slacking off at work trying to download the Cameron Diaz S&M video, Ashley Judd has been at a hospice in Cambodia giving a 150 percent.

Judd, star of the recently released De-Lovely, is touring Cambodia on a UN sponsored tour to raise awareness for the rapidly expanding AIDS crisis in Southeast Asia.

Although there has been no official comment, if celebrity precedent is any guide, expect Judd to return to the United States with the customary Cambodian gift, a souvenir child.

Political Gambling Update: Murdoch Gets Dicked Over

2004-07-06T08:48:00.000-04:00

Ashton Kutcher has tricked many people. Is Rupert Murdoch his latest victim?

This morning, Rupert Murdoch’s uber news tabloid, the New York Post, declared Dick Gephardt as the Democratic Party Vice Presidential Candidate. But wait…

At the same time, Rupert’s Fox News Network was correctly announcing that Kerry had in fact tapped John Edwards as his running mate. As you might expect, all of this confusion begs the question: Was the Post Punk’d?

All bets are on that surveillance cameras could pinpoint puckish prankster Ashton Kutcher somewhere near News Corps midtown Manhattan offices shortly before the Post went to press last night.

The mistake is a gigantic surprise because Dick Gephardt has always been known as the Democratic Party bridesmaid. The Post should have known that Gephardt would be meeting up with Bob Dole sometime this afternoon to pick up his keys to the loser club.

Tradesports has halted all vice presidential gambling.

The Britney's First 911 Call

2004-07-05T12:11:00.000-04:00

The Britney's engagement will introduce her to a whole new genre of tabloid noteriety.

Britney Spears recent engagement to Kevin Federline marks a critical milestone for the Story of Britney. Specifically, this is when the domestic disturbance calls will begin.

Expect one of the next major Kevin and Britney related headlines to stick to one of the following themes:

A. ) A late night, alcohol fueled, domestic abuse related 911 call.
B. ) A late night, drug fueled, domestic abuse related 911 call.
C. ) A late night drug and alcohol fueled, domestic abuse related 911 call.

Ill conceived marriage plus pop celebrity will inevitably equal front page drama.

This common phenomena of Celebrity Physics has been played out countless times before by the likes of Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston as well as Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson. Undoubtedly, an E! True Hollywood Story is already in development.

Hilary Duff: Fatty Fat Fat Fat?

2004-07-02T12:54:00.000-04:00

Hilary Duff is in the best shape of her life.

USA Today slams the tabloids for giving starlets like Hilary Duff and Christina Aguilera a weight complex.

Hilary Duff laments:

"The pressure is outrageous to try to deal with - it's disgusting. Everyone's picked apart and it's so superficial and not real. I'm not super skinny and not overweight. I'm just normal."

Really Hilary, the only reason the tabloids even bring your weight up is because they care. Part of being healthy is not letting yourself go. Marlon Brando let himself go and look what happened to him. Nobody hears Lindsay Lohan complaining.

Political Gambling Update: We Believe in the Easter Bunny Too

2004-07-02T10:51:00.000-04:00

Choosing a Vice President can be totally boring, but is it really necessary to invent imaginary places and people to make the process more entertaining?

The Associated Press reports that Bill Richardson, "Governor of New Mexico”, has removed himself from contention for the John Kerry ticket.

Gambling exchange Tradesports still posts Senator John Edwards as the front runner.

Snoop vs. Cosby

2004-07-02T10:05:00.000-04:00

The Doggfather keeps it real.

Pudding Pop Bill Cosby has issued some tough love for his race.

At the annual Jesse Jackson Rainbow/PUSH Conference in Chicago, Cos' waxed philisophical on what is keeping the black man down:

"I can't even talk the way these people talk, 'Why you ain't,' 'Where you is' ... and I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk," Cosby said then. "And then I heard the father talk ... Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these knuckleheads. You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth."

Shit dog, why you gotta get all up in a muthafuckers grill an' shit?

A more intelligible version of Cosby's diatribe can be translated with help from Tha Snoop Dogg Shizzolator.

SWF, Tall, Blonde, Hilton, Seeks Same

2004-07-01T15:40:00.000-04:00

Paris loves a man with a good sense of humor.

Meeting a nice girl these days is really hard, but meeting a virtous darling like Paris Hilton or Naomi Campbell is damn near impossible. Well suffer no more! Crush your discontent and find your soulmate at the Supermodel Personals.

Political Gambling Update: Election Algebra

2004-07-01T14:59:00.000-04:00

If the mathematics are correct, Janeane Garofalo and Alec Baldwin should get a head start on their plans to move to France.

Political Economists from universities around the country are predicting a George Bush election victory based on the results of several algorithms designed to pick election winners.

While the election models are generally accurate, few professors would be willing to bet tenure on the results – the models forecast an Al Gore win in 2000.

Bush re-election futures are up today on Tradesports.

In related news, CBS News reports that John Kerry is close to choosing a running mate, possibly as early as Tuesday of next week.

Looks like it’s time to get off the fence and place your bets. North Carolina senator John Edwards is the current front runner. Reality TV star Al Sharpton has fallen from consideration.

Al Sharpton Gets Real

2004-07-01T12:15:00.000-04:00

Occasional political candidate and full-time demagogue Al Sharpton has reinvented himself for the role he was born to play: reality television life-coach.

This fall, Sharpton will host a show called I Hate My Job, which will feature him doling out wisdom to eight newly unemployed men.

Show contestants have not yet been chosen, but potential candidates surely include anybody that worked on Reverend Al’s Presidential campaign.

While promoting the show, Sharpton likened himself to another popular reality television star:

"I'm the working man's (Donald) Trump," Sharpton said. "He brings people into the penthouse. We bring them into the house."

Just like Donald Trump, except more rhyming and more blingy.

Although the nature of Sharpton's advice is still unknown, expected suggestions will include the pros and cons of various hair care products as well as ways to mend a damaged track suit.

I Hate My Job will debut on Spike TV .

Nicole Kidman: Is Hair the New Trimspa?

2004-06-30T15:01:00.000-04:00

Nicole Kidman is rarely free from the burden of children.

In the latest issue of London magazine Now, Nicole Kidman riffs on the nearly impossible mulitask of being a mother and single and an Oscar winning actress.

Kidman also lends insight to the Olsen induced eating disorder maelstrom by dropping science on the leading cause of her personal bout with mistaken anorexia: fat hair.

I've been wearing it up a lot lately and that seems to make my face look smaller and make my body look even thinner...When I wear it down ... then my boy-like figure looks a little fuller. That's the only explanation I can come up with.

[ Insert Michael Moore/Star Jones/Monica Lewinsky joke here.]

Saddam Hussein: Beatles Fan?

2004-06-30T13:48:00.000-04:00

Reuters reports that the hottest toy in Baghdad these days is a dancing Saddam Hussein doll. Apparently, at the flip of a switch, the plaything mocks Saddam by making a caricature of the disposed despot disco to the Beatles tune “Hippy Hippy Shake."

The emergence of the Saddam doll bolsters confidence in the fragile Iraqi economy. It seems that the country is well on the way to becoming a world leader in cheap crap technology.

See Spiderman, Support Terror

2004-06-30T12:38:00.000-04:00

Spiderman 2 starring Tobey Maguire debuts today and nearly all talk of Fahrenheit 9/11 has evaporated. Could Marvel Comics and Columbia Pictures be part of the vast right wing conspiracy? Only the weekend box office will be able to tell.

Rebecca Romijn: Ready For a Romp?

2004-06-29T16:31:00.000-04:00

A very un-Stamosed Rebecca Romijn.

When celebrities bare all, they make damn sure somebody is getting their gut wrenching on camera.

Last night on Access Hollywood, John Stamos laid out details involving his recently rocky relationship with model/actress Rebecca Romijn-Stamos. The lightly employed star of TV and stage told Access Hollywood that the slew of publicity surrounding the breakup had made their separation "very difficult."

Too much publicity? Very difficult? Hey John - you should really go on TV to discuss this.

Stamos also explained that he and Rebecca still "adore" each other which in broken relationship-speak loosely translates into "not fucking."

Courting Courtney

2004-06-29T11:29:00.000-04:00

In the latest example of Dog Bites Dog, the New York Post reports that the trainwreck formerly known as Courtney Love was 5 hours late for a scheduled appearance in Manhattan Criminal Court on Monday.

Judge Melissa Jackson reprimanded the bleached calamity by telling her that, “The same rules apply to you as well as everybody else.” Jackson also suggested that Love’s behavior was a jailable offense.

But don’t you think that Judge Jackson was being a little too hard on Ms. Love? Really, when all is said and done, wasn’t Courtney just being Courtney?

Love is due back in Manhattan Criminal Court on September 7th. [NY Post Story]

David Lee Roth Saves Live!

2004-06-28T10:51:00.000-04:00

The New York Daily News reports that ex-Van Halite David Lee Roth is undergoing training to become an Emergency Medical Technician.

As if the prospect of death weren’t traumatic enough.

While a quick read between the lines suggests that the middle aged rocker long ago burned through his career prospects, Roth insists that his motivation is both humanitarian and visceral:

"My dream would be to save a Scandinavian hikerette," the rocker admitted to the Daily News.

Thank you David. Apocaplypse now, please.

Box Office Update

2004-06-28T09:32:00.000-04:00

Number one in the box office over the weekend was the Michael Moore documentary Fahrenheit 9/11, which sold over $20 million dollars worth of tickets.

Profitability numbers for Fahrenheit 9/11 have not yet been released because it is impossible to estimate how much of the total gross went towards buttering Mr. Moore’s popcorn.

Also generating box office success was the new Wayans movie, Two Brothers.

DMX Acts a Fool, Bones Bomb and the Vice President Swears In

2004-06-25T12:02:00.001-04:00

The Associated Press reports that Rapper DMX gets busted at JFK trying to steal a car. Perhaps it was a BMW? Just goes to show you can't mess with the NYPD. Enough with the acronyms? OK.

The Chicago Times reports that at a recent auction in New York, a collection of dinosaur bones sold for much less than expected. The auction specialists concluded that in retrospect, headlining a bachelor auction with Larry King really wasn’t such a good idea.

Got a problem with Dick Cheney? Fuck you.

Poltical Gambling Update # 4: DiCaprio, DeNiro Donate for Dems

2004-06-25T10:43:00.000-04:00

John Kerry’s Democratic money machine raked in millions of dollars last night in Los Angeles from notable names that included tax-evader Willie Nelson and the always cogent Barbra Streisand.

While event emcee Billy Crystal regaled fundraiser attendees with his quippery, others speculated on who John Kerry will eventually choose as a running mate.

Online gambling exchange Tradesports shows John Edwards as the leading candidate for the Democratic vice presidential nomination, however, the AP writes that poker champion Ben Affleck refused to show his hand when pressed:

Affleck suggested he would be campaigning for Kerry in the lead up to the convention but he declined to name a favorite pick for Kerry's running mate.

Other celebrity supporters on hand included Leonardo DiCaprio, Robert DeNiro and Ben Stiller. The $5 million dollars raised by these guests will undoubtedly purchase loads of clever campaign buttons and bumper stickers.

Mary-Kate Meets Machiavelli

2004-06-24T10:19:00.000-04:00

Could Mary-Kate Olsen’s bout with anorexia actually be a well designed career move?

The recent deluge of Mary-Kate related notoriety has suddenly elevated her status from merely “Twin” to “Main Twin.” This very alpha behavior sets the stage for the previously suggested cannibalization of her sister. The Weaker Twin’s only real choice for survival is a deep plunge into eccentric seclusion. Prepare for a future as a footnote in entertainment history, Ashley.

In related Olsen news, Santa Clause 2 star Tim Allen talks to Entertainment Tonight about the stress of being a famous twin:

They've been under such tremendous pressure," says longtime friend Tim Allen. "I always think it's too bad artists have to be displayed in public, but she did it with class. She's a young girl. [She's] got a lot of future ahead of her and really good support personnel around her."

Longtime friend? Since when are the Twins chumming around with Tim Allen? Who did he fuck to get Olsen access?

Dogging New York

2004-06-23T14:34:00.000-04:00

Fine print actress Famke Janssen let Page Six know just how very gauche the Gotham restaurant scene is compared to Los Angeles eateries:

The Maritime's outdoor brunch has become a favorite for Famke Janssen, who dined there three days in a row with her dog Licorice. "It's just so L.A.," she told tablemates. "Licorice loves it, too, because they bring him a bowl of water unasked. They respect pets as people here, not like most New York dumps."

Sorry Famke, nobody let the hicks here in Manhattan know that the very height of civility is feeding your dog at the table. We're too embarassed.

Olsens in the Wild

2004-06-23T10:56:00.000-04:00

Checking into the rehab farm was the smartest thing Mary-Kate Olsen could have done. It is well known that in the wild, one twin will eventually devour the other sometime before their 21st year. If Mary-Kate is going to outlast twin sister Ashley she will need her strength.

Rank Them Again, Sam

2004-06-23T10:26:00.000-04:00

In a continual effort to leave no cinematic moment unranked, the American Film Institute has released 100 Years, 100 Songs - a list of the 100 greatest movie songs of all time.

After a cursory glance at the most exalted, one can hardly suppress the initial reaction: Holy Fuck! My Heart Will Go On is 29 spots higher than Wind Beneath My Wings? How much chardonnay did the AFI drown when they screwed up that one?

Other egregious errors include the omission of the songs Gangsta’s Paradise and Batdance.

Corpulent Critic Weighs In

2004-06-21T09:44:00.000-04:00

Professional Bush-hater Michael Moore was on a media tear this past weekend promoting his latest political smear, Fahrenheit 9/11.

Fox News reported that the portly propaganda artist finally decided to stop being coy and confessed his ultimate desire: See President Bush removed from the White House.

Also, the New York Times revealed that Mr. Moore is in fact a true patriot inasmuch that he is willing to defend his social agenda in the most American way possible:

Moore is threatening to go one step further, saying he has consulted with lawyers who can bring defamation suits against anyone who maligns the film or damages his reputation.

Player haters be advised.

Britney Bashed by British Bandleader

2004-06-18T13:48:00.000-04:00

USA Today reports that British rocker Morrissey has a sharp critique regarding the cultural machine that is Britney Spears.

"The more moronic a pop artist is, the more that pop artist will be embraced by the music industry...It's a well-known fact that Britney Spears doesn't even sing live when she appears in concert - and nobody seems to mind. If I appeared in concert and mimed, my audience would hang me from the nearest tree. And rightly so."

Two notes for Morrissey:

1.) Britney doesn't even know who the fuck you are.
2.) Mentioning mimes isn't going to win you any more fans.

Somewhere in Los Angeles, Kevin Federline is getting ready to kick some alternative rocker ass.

Letting It All Hang Out

2004-06-17T11:08:00.000-04:00

This evening, on Entertainment Tonight, Kirstie Alley will confide to the world that she is in fact, quite overweight.

Alley, the co-star of Look Who's Talking, Look Who's Talking Too and Look Who's Talking Now said the weight gain began 4 years ago when she decided to leave show business to pursue opportunities in motherhood.

Pictures from the interview posted on ET Online reveal that Alley hasn't even made a credible effort to look not fat. Maybe the weight gain is just an offshoot of her true problem: laziness.

Too Old to Rock, Too Young to Die

2004-06-16T14:48:00.000-04:00

On June 23rd, the oldest university in Scotland will present the oldest living musician with an honorary degree.

Folk Singer/Victoria's Secret spokesman Bob Dylan will be made an honorary doctor of music by the University of St. Andrews at the school's upcoming summer graduation.

A Little Mescaline Never Hurt Anybody

2004-06-15T17:18:00.000-04:00

Toyota’s brief attempt to capture the critical mescaline users demographic has been thwarted by the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy.

Advertising Age reports that Toyota pulled an online cartoon for the Toyota Scion that featured several young characters on a hallcination filled peyote trip.

Toyota quit running the promotion after a spokesperson for the White House refered to the ads as ‘offensive.’

Other expected advertising annoucements include:

Canceled plans to include filmmaker Michael Moore alongside Anna Nicole Smith in TrimSpa advertisements.

The United States Marines have decided against naming Pabst Blue Ribbon as the official beverage.

Courtney Love will not become the new face of Revlon.

Political Gambling Update # 3: Stange Bedfellows?

2004-06-15T13:23:00.000-04:00

President Bush's mawkish praise yesterday for ex-President Bill Clinton gave Ronald Reagan the first post-mortem opportunity to spin in his grave.

The New York Post reports that the official Presidential portrait unveiling, emceed by the President, had a 'light and festive mood' that might more aptly be described as a Presidential orgy.(Orgy means Fuckfest!)

The speech has unexpectedly hatched a far reaching theory that President Bush will replace Dick Cheney with Bill Clinton if John Kerry decides to choose Senator John McCain as his running mate for the fall election.

Tradesports has not yet released odds on this possibility.

Political Gambling Update # 2

2004-06-15T10:40:00.000-04:00

Who will John Kerry choose as a running mate in 2004?

Wired News reports that bettors at online wagering mecca Tradesports speculate John Edwards has a 44 percent chance of being picked as the Democratic Party's nominee for vice president.

Other top candiates are quadrennial bridesmaid Dick Gephardt, turtlenecked general Wesley Clark and the guy who claims to be Governor from some place called New Mexico, Bill Richardson.

Tradesports has not listed Arizona Republican John McCain as a potential nominee for vice president. Also not listed (unfortunately) is the always volatile Howard Dean. Chances are, Mr. Dean is being sequestered somewhere.

Perhaps the only person who truly has a grasp on which candidate will eventually be chosen is John Kerry himself. The Onion has suggested John Kerry's favorite choice for second stringer is in fact, John Kerry.

British Billionaire Breaks Record

2004-06-14T12:20:00.000-04:00

In his continous pursuit to promote the Virgin brand by breaking records nobody cares about, British entrepreneur Richard Branson captured another minor milestone Monday.

The charismatic tycoon jetted an amphibious car across the English Channel in 1 hour, 40 mintues and 6 seconds to break a decades old record for crossing the channel in an amphibious vehicle.

Earlier Branson attempts to gain world record recognition include several failed attempts to circle to globe in a hot air balloon and a record breaking trans-Atlantic speedboat crossing in 1986.

A Little Catty

2004-06-14T09:34:00.000-04:00

Clean your pussy and get the camera ready.

This morning the New York Post announced it will be accepting entries for a Cute Cat contest. Top prizes include prime photo exposure for the cutest cat and a free supply of feline cuisine.

In other cat related news, this past weekend, The Post's kissing cousin Fox Entertainment released Garfield: The Movie which earned $21.7 million dollars and debuted at number five on box office charts.

Coincidence? Probably.

If you're looking for more catnip, summer blockbuster Catwoman starring Oscar winning actress Halle Berry is due in theaters on July 23.

You Plus Me Plus Lindsay Makes Three

2004-06-14T09:04:00.000-04:00

ESPN ran a program on June 11th called MathCounts, essentially a numbered-up version of the traditional spelling bee.

The dramatic tension of MathCounts is driven by supercomputer-esque junior high schoolers going mano a mano to solve arcane bits of mathematical minutae. Often these junior Rain Men have calculated an answer well before the moderator has finished reading the question.

Needless to say, MathCounts participants are the type of teenager who face life with the supreme confidence that comes from knowing they will never have to worry about overtipping on a dinner check.

Unfortunately, the target audience for MathCounts is probably not watching television at noon on Friday. Future episodes might consider revising questions to capture the fickle noon on Friday audience. For instance:

If Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan walk into a room filled with 23 mathletes, how many who entered the room as boys will leave as men? Is the answer a prime number?

(Answer: Zero and No.)

Big Problem for Mini Me

2004-06-08T10:12:00.000-04:00

Actor Vern Troyer, best known for playing Mini Me in the Austin Powers troika, has filed for an annulment from actress-model-whatever Genevieve Gallen.

Troyer suggests that Gallen was driven by finanical ambitions when she became engaged to the pint-sized player.

Gallen's most notable accomplishment to date is her website, genevievegallen.com, which supplies vistors with a concise summary of her multi-faceted talents:

Petite Athletic Blonde
5'6", 105 lbs.
32D-23-33

Gallen also makes it clear on the website that she plans to live the impossible dream and someday become a Playboy Centerfold.

Undoubtedly a fast rising star, it doesn't seem likely that Gallen could have had any motivation beyond pure romantic love when she got hitched to Troyer.

The hearing is set for June 17th in the Santa Monica branch of Los Angeles County Superior Court.

Texas Message Messed

2004-06-07T16:52:00.000-04:00

The Texas State Transportation Authority recently announced it would crack down on any misappropriation of the slogan, “Don’t Mess With Texas.”

While the popular slogan has served as a warning for many would be Texas-messers, has it proven effective?

The following are several notable names who tangled with the wrong state:

Jason Patric. Got drunk in Austin, shoved a cop. This original act of civil disobedience landed Patric in the Travis County clink for 5 hours in March.

Matthew McConaughey. Got weird in Austin. Woke neighbors with an early AM bongo instrumental that also drew an audience from the Austin Police Department. Went on to star in The Wedding Planner with Jennifer Lopez shortly thereafter.

Ozzy Osbourne. Rocked San Antonio. Urinated on The Alamo. Skipped middle age to become a walking public service announcement.

Jenna Bush. Became First Daughter. Got caught drinking underage in Austin. Found out how useless Secret Service detail can be.

Drunk Punk Dunked

2004-06-07T12:19:00.000-04:00

Career Move. In a recent interview published by the San Francisco Chronicle, teenage pop-punker Avril Lavigne wistfully recounts some drunken debauchery that should graduate her from the ranks of junior rock star:

"I was on a plane this one time just pouring the mini-bottles down my throat. I got so wasted and we had to go through customs in Germany and I was trying to talk German. It was so funny. Germans are so serious. They were giving me the worst looks ever. And then I went swimming in the fountain at the hotel lobby."

Somewhere Courtney Love is smiling.

Truth Stranger Than Fiction # 1

2004-06-04T09:21:00.000-04:00

Hunter Thompson once wrote, "When the going get's weird, the weird turn professional." If the good doctor's maxim holds true, OJ Simpson has just made a career move.

In this morning's New York Post, David K. Li writes that in an upcoming Fox News interview OJ speaks with Greta Van Susteren about everything from Nicole Brown Simpson's murder to his latest entertainment venture:

"During the interview, which airs Monday at 10 PM, Simpson shamelessly plugs a prank reality TV show he claims to be developing. Simpson compared it to MTV's show featuring actor Ashton Kutcher pulling stunts. "It's a takeoff on something called Punk'd. It's me doing gags as Juice. Juice. What they call 'juicing' people."

Thank you Orenthal. Apocalypse now, please.

Even more unsettling is the picture of OJ wearing a "disguise", presumably in character for a potential 'Juicing.' The photo truly paints Simpson as a master of many identities and begs us to ask the question: Who else has this man killed?

How Now Dead Cow

2004-06-04T00:43:00.000-04:00

British embalmer/Turner Prize winner Damien Hirst irked his neighbors by leaving a dead cow rotting behind his studio over an entire holiday weekend.

A spokeswomen for Hirst confirmed that the cow was left "At the rear of a studio, in a plastic-contained bin."

In related news, Marlon Brando has not been seen or heard from in several days.

Made in Manhattan

2004-06-03T09:45:00.000-04:00

If you can make them here, you can make them anywhere.

The New York Post reported this morning that newly knocked up actress Julia Roberts wants to fulfill a lifelong dream by giving birth to her twin children in Manhattan.

One could only hope that Roberts birthing policy opens the door for a brand new string of Gotham inspired celebrity baby names.

There certainly is precedent. Euro-famous David and Victoria Beckham named their oldest son after a borough that neither, in all likelhood, have ever set foot in.

So You Say You Want a Revelation?

2004-06-02T14:10:00.000-04:00

Code cracked. Sir Paul McCartney unburdened his conscience by admitting that some songs on the Beatles Sgt. Pepper album were actually cleverly disguised allusions to drug use. Somebody call the FCC!

Upcoming musician confessionals include Luther Campbell's acknowledgement that some 2 Live Crew songs are actually about sex and Elton John holding a press conference to announce that he prefers guy-on-guy.

Political Gambling News

2004-06-01T15:17:00.000-04:00

Presidential bettors can garner some serious gambling mileage by studying the political winds in the Buckeye State.

Capturing the diverse electorate in Ohio has always been a critical task for any serious Presidential contender. The saying, "So goes Ohio, so goes the nation," has held firm in nearly every modern Presidential election.

Currently, a Cleveland-Plain Dealer poll shows that George Bush is leading John Kerry by 6% for the Ohio electoral vote. If you put any stock in to the aforementioned logic, a well-seasoned gambler could earn lunch money by betting heavily on the incumbent.

But don’t cash that welfare check and ring your bookie just yet. Another popular Ohio proverb is, "If you don't like the weather, just wait a day." Let's assume this holds true for politics too.

Vino Will Flow

2004-06-01T13:04:00.000-04:00

If Volvo and The Pottery Barn met on a VH1 message board, shared a bottle of Kendall-Jackson cabernet and then parented a child out of wedlock, the child would probably grow up to become the upcoming Sting/Annie Lennox tour. The only question that begs asking is why did Sting and Annie leave Peter Gabriel out of the mix?

The tour will be rocking Wantagh, NY on July 1st.

O' Danny Boy

2004-06-01T11:23:00.000-04:00

Double Shock: Julia Roberts is pregnant with twins. Or as they might say in her hometown of Smyrna, Georgia - Julia done went and got herself knocked up.

For some time, private chatter has speculated that husband Danny Moder was incapable of performing his maritial duties for the Oscar winning actress. It looks like Moder was finally able to pull it together to go where no man - save Keifer Sutherland, Benjamin Bratt, Jason Patric, Dylan McDermott, Matthew Perry and Lyle Lovett - had been before.

With any luck, the couple will embrace the current Hollywood trend of naming their newborn after produce. Peaches and Herb Julia?

Remembering Memorial Day

2004-05-31T12:12:00.000-04:00

If you fell into an otherwise foul mood roughly mid-morning upon realizing that you had made it through the entire holiday weekend without generating even the semblance of a credible hangover, it is doubtful that NY Giant Jeremy Shockey and Hollywood trollop Tara Reid have the same complaint.